As I entered the year of 2009 I made a few promises to myself: Loose weight, get a real job, run a 5K, and begin the journey of finding my "significant other." Now for those of you that know me well know that I have not been "actively" looking for a; make out buddy, random hookup, boyfriend, whatever for a few years now. So making this resolution is a big and scary step for me. As the summer got underway I saw a commercial for the popular "Christian" online dating service known as eHarmony. I saw this commercial and thought..."what the hell, what have I got to loose?" So I looked up eHarmony online and began the process of finding my "soulmate" or at least a few people to hang out with.
As I began the process of "looking" as they call it I had many decisions to make. The first of which being the length of time I wanted to subscribe to this online dating service. My choices: 1 month for 49.99, 3 months for 120.99, or 6months for 199.99, each with the option to renew at the end of the term. So I went to for it and decided that eHarmony should BillMeLater for the amount of 199.99, or 2 payments of 100.00. Hey I rationalized the cost by convincing myslef 200 dollars was worth it if I did actually find my mate.
My next few HOURS....yes HOURS were spent filling out numerous questions rating on a scale fro 1-10 the importance of things like religion, family, monogomy, food, temper, and sleeping habits. This computer site now knew more about me than my primary care physician. As I finished my profile, and "17 point questionaire" it was time to upload pictures of myslef so that other people could look at me and decide whether or not to start communication. I looked through my desktop of pictures, and even facebook, and realized that I do not have many flattering pictures of myslef at all. So ala I ended up putting pictures of myslef with various freinds, dressed for nice occasions and a picture with my mom....I figured well at least they will see the future Karney. One more click of the mouse and....drumroll please...matching was "ON"
Now for those of you who are not familiar with this online dating service let me give oyu a quick vocabulary lesson so to make the reading of this post even more enjoyable!!
Match: a person who has had his profile sent to you based on the answers both of you gave to the hours of questions
Communicating: the process by which you get to know the other person, through a series of "levels" BAsically a way to say NO WAY at any time
Open Communication: The level at which you and your match can email openly, exchange numbers, emails, IM, etc, and hopefully meet, fall in love and make babies!!
Closed: the point at which a match does not want to talk with you and basically blocks you from his profile in a nice way after sending you one 1 of 15 computer generated reasons not to talk to you.
Ok So matching is on...I have a few matches....I have even more closed matches....and open communication with about 7 guys.
This brings me to the week prior to Labor Day...
A week before I had come home from work, changed my clothes and had prepared myself to log on the eHarmony and see that all of my matches were losers, and that no one wanted to communicate with me. This had been the routine from the past few weeks. So you can only imagine my joy when I signed on to the site, viewed my profile and realized that not one, not two, but THREE matched had requested communication!!! I got nervous, "what if they don't like me, I was sick, what of they are weird" (this is possible seeing as how three of my previous matches with communication had been closed do to my wanting monogamy....sheesh Christian site???)
Anyway I saw the blinking exclamation marks next to all three of these matches and began the daunting task of reading profiles, looking a pictures, and answering "first questions" at the level 1 communication. I sent my first questions in response, and tried not to check my profile again until the next day. NO such luck!! 5 hours later I signed back in and GASP!!! One of my matches had sent back his "must haves/can't stands" So I agreed with them and sent mune back. I cloed my yellow Dell and then went to sleep.
The next day I repeat the routine, come home frm work, sign in, and once again all THREE matches were stillinterested in communicationg with me!! This continued for a week with all three guys moving through the levels of communication, until we reached the level of OPEN COMMUNICATION!!!
I being the playa that I am got all three IM names from the guys, but did not give out my phone number due to the fact that even psychos can be Chrisitians. IM went on for a few days and I realized one guy...Paul...was a nice guy but not so much dating material for me. JOnathan on the other hand...great dating potential! I was in the process of IM with both of these guys when one IM window popped up....wanna have lunch? I was so excited that I immediatley assumed it was Jonathan and responded...SURE!!
The date was set, I gave him my phone number to call with details and once agian went to bed.
I went to work the next told all my co-workers I was going on a date with a great guy I had met, they told to be careful, I let my parents know and of course prepared myself to fall in love, get married and make babies with this guy I had never met, but I was sure was perfect for me because well Dr. Warren of eHarmony said so.
Around 11:30 am I recieve a phone call from an unknown number. My stomach flipped, I got a giddy grin on my face and becasue I was on my lunch break I answered. This is the conversation that followed...
"Hey Karney....this is Paul"
(in my head....What the hell how did oyu get my number?)
"Oh heeeey, how are you Paul?"
" I am well. I figured I would call since you gave me your number."
"Well that is good, glad to hear from you."
"Yeah I am really excited to meet you, when would you like to have lunch?"
"Yeah remember you and I were talking about it last night on IM."
(At this point I realize that I had mistaken Paul's IM for Jonathan's, it was Paul I gave my number too, not Jonathan"
" Oh that's right, sorry it has been a long day. Well I guess we could go to lunch this Friday before I head out for my trip to IN."
"Yeah that would be good"
"Well leave me a message though I gotta get back to work"
"Ok will do. Bye Karney"
"Oh ok. Bye Paul"
At this point I am now throwing my phone on the table of the break room at work, and quitely cussing to myself, when a co worker somes in and asks what i wrong. I tell her the story and of course starts laughing and then proceeds to tell everyone else in the office what happened.
Well do to my wley actions over the next few days...aka...not answering my phone. I was able to dodge the lunch with Paul, and got to Indiana unscathed.
Now here is where the DISS comes in. To this day...yes three weeks following initial contact with Jonathan, and Paul the situation stands at this....
Paul...still calling, me still not answering
Jonathan...still no answer, no IM, and no call
Karney...still single, checking eHarmony daily, and paying intrest on 199.99
In the words of my good friends Mastercard:
Dell computer: 1200 bucks
eHarmony subscription: 199.99
being dissed by a Christian dating site: PRICELESS!!!